Dear Major Book Publishers:
The pre-game National Football League ceremonies of Sunday, September 24 demonstrated how willing Americans are to put aside their differences, if only for a while, and unite in defense of free speech, the very bedrock upon which this country was built, and the very thing which our current President seems intent on destroying through his careless and thoughtless actions.
Just as the NFL players and owners and united to send Donald J. Trump the message that even if we disregard with a certain person's point of view, the right to agree to disagree is nothing with which to be trifled, so should also major book publishers, and all authors, published or rejected, best-selling or under-rated, unite to produce a single anthology of original work dedicated to one common theme: In order for free speech to flourish in this country, Mr. Trump should either see the error of his ways, be impeached, or defeated in a special election.
This anthology which I propose would be titled "Reject Trump," because none of the work contained therein, which would range from essays to short stories to graphic novellas to humor, would be rejected unless it either (A) advocated the total overthrow of the United States government, or concerned the (B) actual or (C) fictional assassination of the President. (The latter two would be subject to arrest.)
There would be minimal editing unless the authors themselves edited their own work, agents would be prohibited from interfering, it would only be available from bookstores and libraries (and Amazon) in the United States, as well as the authors themselves, the suggested retail price would be $17.76, with every penny going to American Red Cross Hurricane Relief, and reviewers would have to buy their own copies, It wouldn't be all about the Benjamins, but about THE Benjamin, THE Thomas, THE John, THE George, and a peaceful end to the tyranny of THE Donald.
My contribution to this anthology follows. I hope you enjoy it and that you like the idea.
GOD BLESS AMERICA!
Yours in freedom,
Steven L. Eisenpreis
GET LOST, TRUMP!
Once upon a time, (the years after those dark days in Dallas) there was a little boy who believed that Presidents of the United States were to be respected, good always won over evil, and good and evil were always well-defined.
I should know, since I was that boy. I was shocked that people were assailing President Johnson for keeping our soldiers in Vietnam, and I was afraid that two certain bullies were going to do to me what Lee Harvey Oswald did to JFK, James Earl Ray did to MLK, and Sirhan Sirhan did to RFK. While other boys worshipped real life heroes like Mickey Mantle and Tom Seaver, I always admired Superman and Captain America, two strong and invincible representations of the best young man America had to offer, and Batman, whose smarts, acrobatic abilities, and combat skills always won the day. I thought those boys were my Lex Luthor and Joker and I tried to attack them and convince them to renounce their evil ways like Supes, Cap, and Bats did, but there was one time I will remember to this day, when I ran at the brains (?) of the operation, and the teacher, who I was pretty sure I was saving, just as I was sure that I was saving myself, shouted, "If you don't stop that, I will send you out in the hall!"
If I were somebody else, I would have just stopped and taken a seat, but since I was mankind's self-appointed protector from those two supposed evildoers, I replied in my best hero voice, "IF YOU SEND ME OUT IN THE HALL, YOU SEND AMERICA OUT IN THE HALL!" To which, my best frenemy (whose name will be withheld for personal reasons) replied, "GET LOST, AMERICA!" Looking back on those years, I can understand why. Unlike those super heroes I idolized, I was fat, liked to spend time indoors, was more than a little klutzy, and could be classified as an "idiot savant," with varying emphasis on each respective element. How could I POSSIBLY be America's last, best hope against evil? (My attempted girlfriend kept telling me, "YOU'RE evil because you keep fighting 'em!" Not exactly what Lois would say to Clark, right?)
When I think of Old Me, I kind of think of our beloved (?) President, Donald John Trump, who doesn't resemble Superman, Captain America, or Batman any more than Old Me (Old I?) did, but annointed himself our best hope over evil forces like Crooked Hillary, the Fake News Media, Mexico (before the earthquakes), and Little Rocket Man. Eventually, I learned that if somebody teased me or bullied me, all I had to do was ignore it (or report it to the nearest adult) and it would stop, but The Donald hasn't ignored a single criticism of his record, his personality, or his past (alleged) achievements. Since those childhood days, I have grown to accept that no President, no athlete, nobody at all is perfect. (I also started reading post-1961 Marvel Comics and understanding that in many ways, I'm closer to Peter Parker, Spider-Man's alter ego, than to Superman, Batman, and Cap before he was assimilated into the contemporary Marvel Age of Comics.) but Mr. Trump is the farthest thing from perfect I have ever seen. He's bellicose, overweight, and unlike many of the people I have respected, he didn't come up from nothing to be where he is today. He used to preach the work ethic during THE APPRENTICE, but he never practiced what he preached. and while he professes support for our troops, he did not serve in Vietnam or any one of our recent Gulf Wars. He claims to be our protection against evil, but HE's the bad guy, because, well, let me count the ways...
1) He blamed the riots in Charlottesville, VA over Civil War monuments on "both sides."
2) He was the first President to decline an invitation to the Kennedy Center Honors.
3) Who can forget those notorious ACCESS HOLLYWOOD tapes? (I'll refrain from repeating what he said verbatim, but, suffice it to say, he wasn't talking about Tweety's adversary Sylvester.)
4) He completely violated the rules of decorum and diplomacy while addressing the United Nations General Assembly.
5) Those TWEETS!
6) That HAIR!
7) Instead of uniting the country in times of trouble, he keeps belittling the people on his ever-growing enemies list. Sad.
8) He's driving us closer to the brink of war than at any other time in our history as a nation.
9) Instead of respecting our allies, he keeps alienating them and kissing up to a certain Mr. V. Putin.
10) SHALL I GO ON?
I still respect my country, and I will still stand for my flag and sing along with the National Anthem, but I do so in the knowledge that Trump alone is NOT America anymore than I alone was America.
America is a country built on freedom, and all, not just a select few, are entitled to taste the fruits of that freedom. Without that freedom, we wouldn't have Thomas Edison, Henry Ford, Alexander Graham Bell, the Wright Brothers,Walt Disney, M.S. Hershey,Ted Turner, Edward R. Murrow,Stan Lee, or the men who greet us on that famous mountain in South Dakota. Those men, and Christa McAuliffe, Billie Jean King, Janet Guthrie,Elanor Roosevelt,Joan Ganz Cooney, Michelle Obama, and,yes, the woman Trump calls Crooked Hillary to name but a few, represent America at its innovative,experimental,pioneering best, and those who wear our country's uniform, as well as the blue of our police departments, lay their lives on the line everyday, so that freedom can continue to flourish. No, Mr. Trump, you are NOT America, and you should take something resembling a time out, or, to boil it down, we, the people of the United States, the people who truly believe in the best America can truly believe, have three words that may save OUR lives someday..."
GET LOST, TRUMP!
Monday, September 25, 2017
Wednesday, September 20, 2017
He Was The Very Best He Was At What He Did
Leonard Norman "Len" Wein, famous for creating Wolverine, the feral Canadian loose cannon who once said, "I'm the very best there is at what I do. Unfortunately, what I do ain't pretty," as well as his fellow X-Men, Nightcrawler, Colossus, and Storm, passed away on September 10,2017, making an already sad time of year in the United States even moreso. Born on June 12, 1948 in New York City, Lively Len, as Stan Lee called him,also created DC Comics' muck-encrusted monster Swamp Thing and edited the groundbreaking WATCHMEN series by Alan Moore and Dave Gibbons. He fell in love with comics at age 7 when his father brought him a stack in the hospital. After much encouragement, he decided to devote his full energies to breaking into the comics business. His friend and fellow fanboy, Marv "The" Wolfman ,accompanied him on monthly visits to DC Comics, where he met, among others, legendary editor Julius "Julie" Schwartz.
Len sold his first professional story, "Eye of the Beholder", (TEEN TITANS 18, December 1968) starring Red Star, the DC Universe's first Russian super hero and Len and Marv's first published creation. In no time, he began writing horror, romance,and Western stories not just for DC, but also for Gold Key, Skywald, and the company where he would score the triumphs that would lead him to the Will Eisner Comics Hall of Fame, Mighty Marvel. After creating Swampy and other DC super stars, Len took his talents to Marvel where he not only created the all-new, all-different X-Men, but also wrote for Spider-Man,the Fantastic Four, Daredevil, the Incredible Hulk, and the Mighty Thor. His "Between Hammer and Anvil!" (THE INCREDIBLE HULK volume 2, number 182,December 1974) was cited in Tony "The Tiger" Isabella's "1000 Comics You Must Read." He also wrote the textual novels "Mayhem In Manhattan" (starring Spider-Man) and "Cry Of The Beast" (starring the Hulk) with Marv.
After a fallout with the editor-in-chief many fans compared to J.R. Ewing, Jim "Trouble" Shooter, (FULL DISCLOSURE: Jim is a CWPF of the author, as was Len.) Len returned to DC, where he ran the gamut from the hilarious Superman story "Too Many Crooks!" to the tear-jerking Wonder Woman starrer, "Be Wonder Woman And DIE!" He also wrote for JUSTICE LEAGUE OF AMERICA and a special magazine for the Rutland (VT) Halloween Parade along with Stainless Steve Englehart, Merry Gerry Conway, and the coloring work of his wife, the former Glynis Oliver.
In the 1990's, Len moved to California and edited The Walt Disney Company's reboot of its classic comics line after the family-owned Gladstone Publishing (ironically named for lucky Disney character Gladstone Gander)decided to concentrate on other projects. After Len turned in his mouse ears, he wrote for such animated series as BATMAN and SPIDER-MAN, BEN 10, and MARVEL SUPER HERO SQUAD. Among other later accomplishments was an adaptation of an unproduced script by science fiction scribe Harlan Ellison for the Batman TV series pitting the Caped Crusader against the villainous Jekyll-Hyde baddie Two-Face.
After he divorced Glynis, he married photographer Christine Valada and became the stepfather of her son Michael. His home burned down in 2009 taking his awards and the family dog with it, but his wife appeared on JEOPARDY! to win $60,000 to replace most of the books lost in the fire.
In 2015, Len underwent triple-bypass surgery. Two years later, on September 10, he died, leaving behind some of the greatest comics stories ever written, and a legion of saddened super-fans. He took his characters seriously, but never himself. (When I once saw him in person long ago, he asked me, "Why aren't you in school? These comic books can do a number on your mind!")
Happy first Rosh Hashonah in Heaven, Len. Say hi to Siegel, Shuster, and Kirby for me. (And while you're at it, send a shout out to Dickens and Hugo too. You deserve to be associated with THOSE guys. too.)
Steve
Len sold his first professional story, "Eye of the Beholder", (TEEN TITANS 18, December 1968) starring Red Star, the DC Universe's first Russian super hero and Len and Marv's first published creation. In no time, he began writing horror, romance,and Western stories not just for DC, but also for Gold Key, Skywald, and the company where he would score the triumphs that would lead him to the Will Eisner Comics Hall of Fame, Mighty Marvel. After creating Swampy and other DC super stars, Len took his talents to Marvel where he not only created the all-new, all-different X-Men, but also wrote for Spider-Man,the Fantastic Four, Daredevil, the Incredible Hulk, and the Mighty Thor. His "Between Hammer and Anvil!" (THE INCREDIBLE HULK volume 2, number 182,December 1974) was cited in Tony "The Tiger" Isabella's "1000 Comics You Must Read." He also wrote the textual novels "Mayhem In Manhattan" (starring Spider-Man) and "Cry Of The Beast" (starring the Hulk) with Marv.
After a fallout with the editor-in-chief many fans compared to J.R. Ewing, Jim "Trouble" Shooter, (FULL DISCLOSURE: Jim is a CWPF of the author, as was Len.) Len returned to DC, where he ran the gamut from the hilarious Superman story "Too Many Crooks!" to the tear-jerking Wonder Woman starrer, "Be Wonder Woman And DIE!" He also wrote for JUSTICE LEAGUE OF AMERICA and a special magazine for the Rutland (VT) Halloween Parade along with Stainless Steve Englehart, Merry Gerry Conway, and the coloring work of his wife, the former Glynis Oliver.
In the 1990's, Len moved to California and edited The Walt Disney Company's reboot of its classic comics line after the family-owned Gladstone Publishing (ironically named for lucky Disney character Gladstone Gander)decided to concentrate on other projects. After Len turned in his mouse ears, he wrote for such animated series as BATMAN and SPIDER-MAN, BEN 10, and MARVEL SUPER HERO SQUAD. Among other later accomplishments was an adaptation of an unproduced script by science fiction scribe Harlan Ellison for the Batman TV series pitting the Caped Crusader against the villainous Jekyll-Hyde baddie Two-Face.
After he divorced Glynis, he married photographer Christine Valada and became the stepfather of her son Michael. His home burned down in 2009 taking his awards and the family dog with it, but his wife appeared on JEOPARDY! to win $60,000 to replace most of the books lost in the fire.
In 2015, Len underwent triple-bypass surgery. Two years later, on September 10, he died, leaving behind some of the greatest comics stories ever written, and a legion of saddened super-fans. He took his characters seriously, but never himself. (When I once saw him in person long ago, he asked me, "Why aren't you in school? These comic books can do a number on your mind!")
Happy first Rosh Hashonah in Heaven, Len. Say hi to Siegel, Shuster, and Kirby for me. (And while you're at it, send a shout out to Dickens and Hugo too. You deserve to be associated with THOSE guys. too.)
Steve
Tuesday, November 22, 2016
Make America Read Again
As you may know, I'm not jumping up and down because Trump won the nomination. But (A), let me reiterate a point I made in my tribute to Roy Thomas' historic WHAT IF? series of Marvel mags which you can still read at steveneisenpreis.blogspot.com : The people elected him president, and the people, ALL of the people, should put the vandalism, shouting, and signs aside and give him a chance, and (B) he DOES have a point.
The American publishing system is rigged.
THERE! I said it. In fact, it isn't even the American publishing system anymore. It's just an extension of the European publishing system, and not one of the editors or executives in charge of Hachette Book Group, Pearson Random House, or HarperCollins would know a great American book if it fell on top of their pointy little heads. If they're not rejecting books, they're ripping off the Melvilles, Wolfes, and Poes of the future by charging exorbitant rates JUST TO GET PUBLISHED!
With all that in mind, America, I give you...
STEVE'S PLAN TO MAKE AMERICA READ AGAIN (or, MAKE AMERICAN PUBLISHING GREAT AGAIN)
1. All European-based publishers will be forced to sell or spin off their American subsidiaries.
2. The term "self-publishing" as it currently exists will be replaced by "assisted publishing," and no author will have to pay more than $500 for the total cost of publishing
3. Any author who takes his manuscript to an establishment with a copier (i.e. a library, office superstore, or restaurant) and sells the finished product himself will now be considered a "self-publisher."
4. Authors will be required to guarantee satisfaction. Publishers will no longer send copies to reviewers, who will have to buy their own copies.
5.Rejected books will be treated the same as their published counterparts, including promotion as part of literacy campaigns.
6. Rejection itself would be eliminated, except when it comes to books advocating the violent overthrow of the United States of America.
7. Murder of iconic literary characters would be treated exactly the same as murder of actual people.
8. Editors will be stripped of their "life or death" power and serve as cheerleaders.
9. No book will be priced higher than five U,S, dollars.
Boy, it feels great to get THAT off my chest!
Happy Thanksgiving, and let's knock the stuffing out of those turkeys in charge of the book publishers!
Steve
The American publishing system is rigged.
THERE! I said it. In fact, it isn't even the American publishing system anymore. It's just an extension of the European publishing system, and not one of the editors or executives in charge of Hachette Book Group, Pearson Random House, or HarperCollins would know a great American book if it fell on top of their pointy little heads. If they're not rejecting books, they're ripping off the Melvilles, Wolfes, and Poes of the future by charging exorbitant rates JUST TO GET PUBLISHED!
With all that in mind, America, I give you...
STEVE'S PLAN TO MAKE AMERICA READ AGAIN (or, MAKE AMERICAN PUBLISHING GREAT AGAIN)
1. All European-based publishers will be forced to sell or spin off their American subsidiaries.
2. The term "self-publishing" as it currently exists will be replaced by "assisted publishing," and no author will have to pay more than $500 for the total cost of publishing
3. Any author who takes his manuscript to an establishment with a copier (i.e. a library, office superstore, or restaurant) and sells the finished product himself will now be considered a "self-publisher."
4. Authors will be required to guarantee satisfaction. Publishers will no longer send copies to reviewers, who will have to buy their own copies.
5.Rejected books will be treated the same as their published counterparts, including promotion as part of literacy campaigns.
6. Rejection itself would be eliminated, except when it comes to books advocating the violent overthrow of the United States of America.
7. Murder of iconic literary characters would be treated exactly the same as murder of actual people.
8. Editors will be stripped of their "life or death" power and serve as cheerleaders.
9. No book will be priced higher than five U,S, dollars.
Boy, it feels great to get THAT off my chest!
Happy Thanksgiving, and let's knock the stuffing out of those turkeys in charge of the book publishers!
Steve
Wednesday, November 2, 2016
What the Devil Is Mickey Doing THERE?
Halloween may be over, (And Election Day is on the way. Talk about SCARY!) but you can still have some scary good fun. You can either get ready for Marvel's new Doctor Strange movie by reading Stan Lee and Steve Ditko's early classics in DOCTOR STRANGE OMNIBUS VOL. 1 (available wherever books, ebooks. or graphic novels are sold), or (A) start saving those shekels, (B) write a letter to Santa or Harry, or (C) or go to http://www.papercutz.com to pre-order DISNEY GREAT PARODIES: MICKEY'S INFERNO before it ships next month.
I know what you're thinking: Walt is doing a three-sixty in his grave because the company he started with a Mouse has thrown the taste playbook right out the window. Well, nothing could be farther from the truth! Anybody who's seen the hilarious MICKEY MOUSE SHORTS on Disney Channel knows that although Mick comes from American roots, he can kick a soccer ball, shoot a hockey puck, (two of them, in fact, in the now-classic "Bad Ear Day") negotiate the tough Tokyo rush-hour traffic, navigate a gondola in Venice, save a cafe in Paris by delivering a motor-bike-load of croissants, drive a Formula 1 race car in the Monaco Grand Prix with the best of them and even entertain the Queen of England with his one man band, in short, M-I-C-K-E-Y is an M-O-U-S-E of the world, no matter what you may think. For years, Mickey and friends have been entertaining Italian audiences in what started as the Italian edition of MICKEY MOUSE MAGAZINE, I refer to TOPOLINO (literally, "Little Mouse") which is still published today. When TOPOLINO resumed publication after Mussolini and the rest of the Axis powers were defeated in WWII, one of the series within the magzine that were unique to Italy was "Great Parodies," which, as the name implies, featured Mousek-interpetations of classic works starring Mick and the gang, and the first (and, in this reviewer's humble opinion, the best) in the series, MICKEY'S INFERNO, which begins after Mickey and Goofy wow 'em in a performance of Dante's Divine Comedy. Mick's longtime enemy Peg-Leg Pete and his partner in crime Morty the Mesmerist hypnotize the Mouse and the Goof into thinking they are Dante and Virgil, respectively, and they take an imaginary journey to H-E-double-hockeysticks (This IS a Disney book I'm reviewing!) where they meet all sorts of creatures, some played by beloved fellow Disney characters! (Example, Minnie as Beatrice.) I read the preview that was offered free as part of Diamond Comics Distributors' national Halloween Comics Party, and it was very sophisticated without abandoning (hope of reading) the classic family-friendly humor that made Mickey famous. Mind you, it was excerpted, the complete under-the-bridge version ships in December and it's presented by Papercutz. a graphic novel publisher led by former self-admitted Marvel Zombie Slim Jim Salicrup, and noted for its variety of properties from the Smurfs and DreamWorks' TROLLS to Barbie and the WWE as well as its own great parodies of popular books and movies. It's one book Disneyphiles of all ages won't be able to put down, written in the classic (Dante)style and cleverly translated with tons of pop culture references. If you were down to your last and could only buy either this book or a sandwich, postponing that lunch and enjoying this book would be an absolute Mouseka-MUST! I'll bet that the shivers that run up and down your spine while reading this will be of absolute delight. When it goes on sale next month, run as Faust as you can to your local comic shop!
Seeya real soon!
Steve
IN A COMPLETELY UNRELATED DEVELOPMENT: Congratulations to the Chicago Cubs on breaking a 108-year-long drought and becoming Champions of Baseball!
I know what you're thinking: Walt is doing a three-sixty in his grave because the company he started with a Mouse has thrown the taste playbook right out the window. Well, nothing could be farther from the truth! Anybody who's seen the hilarious MICKEY MOUSE SHORTS on Disney Channel knows that although Mick comes from American roots, he can kick a soccer ball, shoot a hockey puck, (two of them, in fact, in the now-classic "Bad Ear Day") negotiate the tough Tokyo rush-hour traffic, navigate a gondola in Venice, save a cafe in Paris by delivering a motor-bike-load of croissants, drive a Formula 1 race car in the Monaco Grand Prix with the best of them and even entertain the Queen of England with his one man band, in short, M-I-C-K-E-Y is an M-O-U-S-E of the world, no matter what you may think. For years, Mickey and friends have been entertaining Italian audiences in what started as the Italian edition of MICKEY MOUSE MAGAZINE, I refer to TOPOLINO (literally, "Little Mouse") which is still published today. When TOPOLINO resumed publication after Mussolini and the rest of the Axis powers were defeated in WWII, one of the series within the magzine that were unique to Italy was "Great Parodies," which, as the name implies, featured Mousek-interpetations of classic works starring Mick and the gang, and the first (and, in this reviewer's humble opinion, the best) in the series, MICKEY'S INFERNO, which begins after Mickey and Goofy wow 'em in a performance of Dante's Divine Comedy. Mick's longtime enemy Peg-Leg Pete and his partner in crime Morty the Mesmerist hypnotize the Mouse and the Goof into thinking they are Dante and Virgil, respectively, and they take an imaginary journey to H-E-double-hockeysticks (This IS a Disney book I'm reviewing!) where they meet all sorts of creatures, some played by beloved fellow Disney characters! (Example, Minnie as Beatrice.) I read the preview that was offered free as part of Diamond Comics Distributors' national Halloween Comics Party, and it was very sophisticated without abandoning (hope of reading) the classic family-friendly humor that made Mickey famous. Mind you, it was excerpted, the complete under-the-bridge version ships in December and it's presented by Papercutz. a graphic novel publisher led by former self-admitted Marvel Zombie Slim Jim Salicrup, and noted for its variety of properties from the Smurfs and DreamWorks' TROLLS to Barbie and the WWE as well as its own great parodies of popular books and movies. It's one book Disneyphiles of all ages won't be able to put down, written in the classic (Dante)style and cleverly translated with tons of pop culture references. If you were down to your last and could only buy either this book or a sandwich, postponing that lunch and enjoying this book would be an absolute Mouseka-MUST! I'll bet that the shivers that run up and down your spine while reading this will be of absolute delight. When it goes on sale next month, run as Faust as you can to your local comic shop!
Seeya real soon!
Steve
IN A COMPLETELY UNRELATED DEVELOPMENT: Congratulations to the Chicago Cubs on breaking a 108-year-long drought and becoming Champions of Baseball!
Friday, March 25, 2016
9 By Popular Demand...(Irving Popular, my next door neighbor, texted me a demand)
AFTER THE SONG
A 6-Part Limited Series
CHAPTER 1
And They Lived Happily Ever After...Then What?
"I think we should start seeing other people."
That rather shocking observation came from Rosa Milano Taylor, half of New York magazine's Power Couple of the Year for 2016 after she woke from a troubled night's sleep at one in the morning in her luxurious penthouse apartment facing Lincoln Center. The other half, Carl Taylor, thought it was just one of those very-real-sounding voices one hears during one's dreams. but his eyelids flew open like cartoon window shades and he tried to stay calm as he asked,
"The incredibly sexy woman I saved from homelessness whose operatic career I helped revive and who went on to be the mother of Carly, Escamillo, Carmen, and Michela while continuing to raise Frasquita and Mercedes from an earlier marriage says WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!?!?!?!"
"Dude," she explained. "Don't get me wrong, I appreciate everything you've done for me and I'm happy that we're being honored tonight for supporting afterschool arts programs and helping kids discover opera,but, let's be honest here. I didn't ASK you to just take me off the street and turn me into the second coming of Beverly Sills. You just jumped right in and made me the star of your own little show."
Carl could not believe his ears. He took a deep breath and replied, "It's not entirely a me thing, no matter what you think. My father once told me evil wins when good does nothing, and seeing people living in boxes on the street,asking you for a quarter when the only thing you can buy for a quarter is a pay phone call and good luck with that, or just running up to you when you spend money in Grand Central Station...well, homelessness has turned good people into evil...well, THINGS. They may remind one of historical interpeters at Colonial Williamsburg or cartoon characters at Disneyland, but they refuse to spend a day of work to get their own money. I saw you and I remembered this talented person, and I wanted to do my best for everybody by turning her back into the wonderful singer she used to be. Another one of my favorite expressions is, "Give a man a fish and he'll have food for a day. Teach a man to fish and he'll have food for a lifetime." This wasn't me trying to be a voyeur and casting you as the star of my show, this was me trying to help you return to being the best you you could be."
This failed to make an impression on Rosa who replied,"OK, understood, huzzah for Super-Carl, but every time you introduce me at a party, you say, "This is my formerly homeless opera singer wife," and you ALWAYS refer to it every time we're asked to a fancy Lincoln Center gala!" Carl attempted to explain that he wouldn't do it if it weren't true, but she continued, "And then, there's the kids! Since Phoebe left for Buckingham Palace,I've tried to be a mother, father, AND nanny to all those kids while trying to keep an opera career going. Sorry, buddy, but the Brady Bunch we AIN'T!"
"OK,OK,OK," Carl replied, "I'll call a family meeting."
He hit the siren the PBA gave him as a thank-you gift,picked up a megaphone, and shouted, "FAMILY MEETING IN THE LIVING ROOM IN FIVE MINUTES!" The younger members of Clan Taylor crawled out of bed groaning, "Who died?" (Cam) "Already?" (Keeta) "We have to be sharp for that interview with Kelly and Michael!" (Sadie) "And Justin Bieber was just about to propose!" (Carls) "In case you forgot, ABC 7 has an important Little League game with A.J.Clarke Real Estate today, and Coach wants everybody at their best!" (Carmencita) "WAAAAAAH!" (Kayla)
Mom and Dad sat in the two biggest chairs while the kids all crowded on the couch. Dad said, "Since everybody's present, we'll skip the roll call and get down to business: Your Mom thinks we should start seeing other people."
The kids just sat and stared. The only thing you could hear was crickets chirping.
"I know what you're thinking, but we're not getting the D-word. (Rosa thought, At least not now.) we just need some alone time to get ourselves together, but don't worry, you're still living all together under this roof. We're still in this together, and no matter what, we'll find a way out of this problem. Team Taylor on three!" The family raised their hands, although Rosa hesitated for a moment. "One, two,three...(And everybody shouted,) TEAM TAYLOR!"
Came the dawn, and Carl called HIS Mom and Dad in Buffalo.
"Taylor Residence, Lady of the House speaking."
"Hey,Mom!"
"Hi, Carl, how's everything?"
"Keeta and Sadie are getting ready to shoot WHO DUNN IT?:THE MOVIE in Puerto Rico,Cam is studying acting at the School of the Arts,Carmencita has become the jock of the family, the hockey team calls her Henrietta Lundquist because of all her saves and now she's knocking 'em out of the park in Little League, Kayla had her birthday announced on SUNNY SIDE UP (the preschool version of the TODAY show), Carls is playing Ariel in her school's production of THE LITTLE MERMAID,
and,uh,Rosa..."
"Son, is something wrong with Rosa? Bob, come here. There may be something wrong with your daughter-in-law."
"OK, Carl. Like they used to say on those soaps your mother used to watch, gimme the bad news, Doc. I can take it."
"Rosa thinks we should see other people."
Susan Taylor fainted dead away. Her husband shouted," I KNEW IT! ONCE A VAGRANT, ALWAYS A VAGRANT! YOU'VE BEEN SCAMMED! MISTER, IF YOU KNOW WHAT'S GOOD FOR YOU, YOU'LL DROP THAT HARLOT LIKE A BAD HABIT!" and slammed the phone back on its cradle.
Carl thought, Sorry, Dad, but I think I'm going to get a second opinion.
A few hours later, Carl and Rosa changed out of their jammies and into acceptable semi-formal wear before visiting the venerable Hallowell Center, a well-known practice located at the corner of 72nd and Broadway. The doctor listened attentively to both sides, and delivered the final verdict...
"You SHOULD see other people."
But they were still scheduled to attend New York magazine's Power Couple of the Year ceremony that evening. They did, under a great deal of protest from Rosa, who told the MC they wanted to say something before the ceremonies officially began. (He laughed nervously, "You just made my job a little easier.") He threw it to Carl who said, "We would like to thank New York magazine for this honor...I would like to re-emphasize we WOULD like to thank New York magazine for this honor...but we can't."
As the crowd drew a horrified shudder, Rosa explained, "After much soul-searching, we have decided to start seeing other people. We're sorry. We can't be this happy couple fighting for truth,justice and all that other good stuff. We hope you understand." They walked off the dais, the band put their instruments away, the caterer donated the food for the banquet to the homeless, and a sea of disappointed dignitaries descended on Broadway.
If they were telling McDonald's they were seeing other people, no problem, hakuna matata, they've sold all those billions and billions of hamburgers, which makes it hard for McDonald's to really miss a customer.
But this wasn't McDonald's. But Rosa DID deserve a break. And she would get it with a few strings attatched.
NEXT: The Strings!
"Be here! It'll be good!"-Mike W. Barr, a close warm personal friend who used to work at DC Comics
Bye Buckaroos!
Steve
A 6-Part Limited Series
CHAPTER 1
And They Lived Happily Ever After...Then What?
"I think we should start seeing other people."
That rather shocking observation came from Rosa Milano Taylor, half of New York magazine's Power Couple of the Year for 2016 after she woke from a troubled night's sleep at one in the morning in her luxurious penthouse apartment facing Lincoln Center. The other half, Carl Taylor, thought it was just one of those very-real-sounding voices one hears during one's dreams. but his eyelids flew open like cartoon window shades and he tried to stay calm as he asked,
"The incredibly sexy woman I saved from homelessness whose operatic career I helped revive and who went on to be the mother of Carly, Escamillo, Carmen, and Michela while continuing to raise Frasquita and Mercedes from an earlier marriage says WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!?!?!?!"
"Dude," she explained. "Don't get me wrong, I appreciate everything you've done for me and I'm happy that we're being honored tonight for supporting afterschool arts programs and helping kids discover opera,but, let's be honest here. I didn't ASK you to just take me off the street and turn me into the second coming of Beverly Sills. You just jumped right in and made me the star of your own little show."
Carl could not believe his ears. He took a deep breath and replied, "It's not entirely a me thing, no matter what you think. My father once told me evil wins when good does nothing, and seeing people living in boxes on the street,asking you for a quarter when the only thing you can buy for a quarter is a pay phone call and good luck with that, or just running up to you when you spend money in Grand Central Station...well, homelessness has turned good people into evil...well, THINGS. They may remind one of historical interpeters at Colonial Williamsburg or cartoon characters at Disneyland, but they refuse to spend a day of work to get their own money. I saw you and I remembered this talented person, and I wanted to do my best for everybody by turning her back into the wonderful singer she used to be. Another one of my favorite expressions is, "Give a man a fish and he'll have food for a day. Teach a man to fish and he'll have food for a lifetime." This wasn't me trying to be a voyeur and casting you as the star of my show, this was me trying to help you return to being the best you you could be."
This failed to make an impression on Rosa who replied,"OK, understood, huzzah for Super-Carl, but every time you introduce me at a party, you say, "This is my formerly homeless opera singer wife," and you ALWAYS refer to it every time we're asked to a fancy Lincoln Center gala!" Carl attempted to explain that he wouldn't do it if it weren't true, but she continued, "And then, there's the kids! Since Phoebe left for Buckingham Palace,I've tried to be a mother, father, AND nanny to all those kids while trying to keep an opera career going. Sorry, buddy, but the Brady Bunch we AIN'T!"
"OK,OK,OK," Carl replied, "I'll call a family meeting."
He hit the siren the PBA gave him as a thank-you gift,picked up a megaphone, and shouted, "FAMILY MEETING IN THE LIVING ROOM IN FIVE MINUTES!" The younger members of Clan Taylor crawled out of bed groaning, "Who died?" (Cam) "Already?" (Keeta) "We have to be sharp for that interview with Kelly and Michael!" (Sadie) "And Justin Bieber was just about to propose!" (Carls) "In case you forgot, ABC 7 has an important Little League game with A.J.Clarke Real Estate today, and Coach wants everybody at their best!" (Carmencita) "WAAAAAAH!" (Kayla)
Mom and Dad sat in the two biggest chairs while the kids all crowded on the couch. Dad said, "Since everybody's present, we'll skip the roll call and get down to business: Your Mom thinks we should start seeing other people."
The kids just sat and stared. The only thing you could hear was crickets chirping.
"I know what you're thinking, but we're not getting the D-word. (Rosa thought, At least not now.) we just need some alone time to get ourselves together, but don't worry, you're still living all together under this roof. We're still in this together, and no matter what, we'll find a way out of this problem. Team Taylor on three!" The family raised their hands, although Rosa hesitated for a moment. "One, two,three...(And everybody shouted,) TEAM TAYLOR!"
Came the dawn, and Carl called HIS Mom and Dad in Buffalo.
"Taylor Residence, Lady of the House speaking."
"Hey,Mom!"
"Hi, Carl, how's everything?"
"Keeta and Sadie are getting ready to shoot WHO DUNN IT?:THE MOVIE in Puerto Rico,Cam is studying acting at the School of the Arts,Carmencita has become the jock of the family, the hockey team calls her Henrietta Lundquist because of all her saves and now she's knocking 'em out of the park in Little League, Kayla had her birthday announced on SUNNY SIDE UP (the preschool version of the TODAY show), Carls is playing Ariel in her school's production of THE LITTLE MERMAID,
and,uh,Rosa..."
"Son, is something wrong with Rosa? Bob, come here. There may be something wrong with your daughter-in-law."
"OK, Carl. Like they used to say on those soaps your mother used to watch, gimme the bad news, Doc. I can take it."
"Rosa thinks we should see other people."
Susan Taylor fainted dead away. Her husband shouted," I KNEW IT! ONCE A VAGRANT, ALWAYS A VAGRANT! YOU'VE BEEN SCAMMED! MISTER, IF YOU KNOW WHAT'S GOOD FOR YOU, YOU'LL DROP THAT HARLOT LIKE A BAD HABIT!" and slammed the phone back on its cradle.
Carl thought, Sorry, Dad, but I think I'm going to get a second opinion.
A few hours later, Carl and Rosa changed out of their jammies and into acceptable semi-formal wear before visiting the venerable Hallowell Center, a well-known practice located at the corner of 72nd and Broadway. The doctor listened attentively to both sides, and delivered the final verdict...
"You SHOULD see other people."
But they were still scheduled to attend New York magazine's Power Couple of the Year ceremony that evening. They did, under a great deal of protest from Rosa, who told the MC they wanted to say something before the ceremonies officially began. (He laughed nervously, "You just made my job a little easier.") He threw it to Carl who said, "We would like to thank New York magazine for this honor...I would like to re-emphasize we WOULD like to thank New York magazine for this honor...but we can't."
As the crowd drew a horrified shudder, Rosa explained, "After much soul-searching, we have decided to start seeing other people. We're sorry. We can't be this happy couple fighting for truth,justice and all that other good stuff. We hope you understand." They walked off the dais, the band put their instruments away, the caterer donated the food for the banquet to the homeless, and a sea of disappointed dignitaries descended on Broadway.
If they were telling McDonald's they were seeing other people, no problem, hakuna matata, they've sold all those billions and billions of hamburgers, which makes it hard for McDonald's to really miss a customer.
But this wasn't McDonald's. But Rosa DID deserve a break. And she would get it with a few strings attatched.
NEXT: The Strings!
"Be here! It'll be good!"-Mike W. Barr, a close warm personal friend who used to work at DC Comics
Bye Buckaroos!
Steve
Friday, February 26, 2016
8 We've Got Your Summer Reading Planned!
I hope you enjoyed SONG OF REDEMPTION, our Valentine's Day mini-series, and I'd like to send a shout out to Bettijane Eisenpreis for her support as well as to my muse, an actual homeless who looked more like an opera singer than your standard generic bum. (She gave me the song and dance about change and I sang a little bit of the Habanera in the hope I would rekindle memories of her days as an operatic chanteuse, but all she gave me was a mean look.)
I know, the calendar still says Winter and Spring is just around the corner, but let's talk about Summer reading. From time to time, we will review recent books that would look great at the beach, but on May 27, when Memorial Day Weekend kicks off, we'll turn off the heat with a VERY SPECIAL tribute to the sixtieth anniversary of the theme park. Yep, this is the sixth decade since Walt Disney and his Imagineers introduced Disneyland to a grateful world, and I could go on and on about how Disneyland is the ultimate example of theme parks done right, but instead, this Summer, we proudly (or at least as proudly as possible) present the saga of George Washington Macintosh, who was born at roughly the same time as Walt, but...that would be giving it away!
It's called "THIS HAPPY PLACE," and you can read it at home, in car, at the beach, or EVEN AT WORK, but BE CAREFUL! If you read it on line at a theme park, you might just miss your ride!
Remember, "THIS HAPPY PLACE," coming this Memorial Day Weekend to an internet near you, but like REDEMPTION, it's rated PG-13. Don't say you weren't warned!
BTW, check out LEONARD, William Shatner's look back at his friend and fellow Star Trekker and the memories that will always Live Long and Prosper. On the Steve Sandwich Scale, this rates a "Skip the Sandwich!"
Steve out!
Friday, February 19, 2016
Volume 1, Number 7 Excuse The Cliche, But The Fat Lady Is About To Sing!
IN CASE YOU'RE JUST JOINING US, (and where have YOU been these past four weeks?) Carl Taylor, a music critic for the New York Times, met fallen opera singer Rosa Milano while she was panhandling in front of a fast food place in Lower Manhattan, took her to lunch at a MUCH cooler place at Lincoln Center, bought her a whole new wardrobe, got her some cool temporary digs at a hotel across the street from the Center Plaza, began work on a nightclub act, met her daughters, her ex and his new wife, and (TAH DAH!) is about to become a MARRIED WOMAN!
SONG OF REDEMPTION
A Valentine's Day Aria In Five Stanzas
STANZA THE LAST
Blaze Of Glory
As important as the nightclub act was to Rosa and Carl, it would have to play second fiddle to their new life together. They would have to find a new apartment for themselves, Phoebe and the girls, (1965 Broadway, right next to Alice Tully Hall, where they had that first lunch), get some do-it-yourself supplies (Lowe's) furniture, (Raymour & Flanagan) and everything else at Century 21, and get Tina some new office space and living quarters (same place until Mr. Right came along). They rehearsed the wedding at the Rose Rehearsal Studio, and Carl made sure they had the right wedding planner. On their respective last nights of singlehood, they made sure their last nights of fun went off without a hitch. Carl and his Times buddies chose Dive 75, on 75th Street, and a pal of his who knew someone who knew someone who knew Hugh Hefner brought over a bevy of Playboy Bunnies who brought back the magic of the old Club on 58th and Fifth, and Carl did his best impression of Escamillo, Carmen's bullfighter paramour, by winning both ears and the tail of one of the Bunnies, who, like Carl, was too drunk to care. Rosa had an equally hot bachelorette party at the Empire Hotel's Rooftop Bar (She was also too sloshed to care what Carl would think of the Chippendale's dancers and male strippers.), while Phoebe, Frasquita and Mercedes had a "junior bachelorette" party at what was going to be her old apartment, binge watching all their favorite musicals drinking Shirley Temples and Virgin Marys, and laying waste to a White Castle Hamburger Crave Case, even though Mom once "craved" those little square hamburgers until she saw the light.
The next morning, the scene shifted back to Alice Tully Hall, where Carl, dressed in a bullfighter costume, stood and waited for the arrival of his tag team partner in the match called life. The Julliard String Quartet was there to serenade the guests, and graduates of the school set the mood with a program that included "One Hand, One Heart" from "West Side Story," John Lennon's "Grow Old With Me," (inspired by the poetry of Elizabeth Barrett Browning), and Dan Fogelberg's "Longer," but something was missing.
Ten minutes later, that something arrived to the strains of "Here Comes The Bride", dressed in a white variation of the outfit wore by Carmen before Don Jose stabbed her in a fit of jealousy, accompanied by Keeta and Sadie in white dresses wearing floral headpieces and paving her way. Unfortunately, both Rosa's parents had passed while she was just starting her operatic career, so the police officer charged with guarding her during that transitional period from homeless to star reborn gave her away. Tina was the Maid Of Honor, Carl's old editor was the Best Man, and...
Preacher: "Repeat after me. I, Carl James Taylor..."
"I, Carl James Taylor..."
"Take thee, Rosa Maria Carmen Violetta Anna Milano..."
"Take thee, Rosa Maria Carmen Violetta Anna Milano...."
Nuff Said.
As for anybody who could show just cause why those two should not be wed, Rosa's so-called friends from her homeless days were arrested outside Lincoln Center and Nigel had a tour in Australia. (Poor baby!)
One wild and crazy wedding reception later during which they divulged dates for the nightclub show AND a special charity performance of CARMEN at the Met Opera, the happy couple, kids in tow, (STILL in their wedding finery!) flew off to Disneyland Resort Paris where the highlight of the trip was Frasquita (Elsa) and Mercedes (Anna) and Mom and Dad wearing respective Mickey and Minnie wedding mouse ears posing with Bullfighter Mickey and Gypsy Minnie. After a week at the Happiest Place on Earth, (and a few minutes trying to avoid getting ripped off by the seemingly harmless elderly couple who would take your picture outside the castle and charge you an arm and a leg and two teeth) they took the Channel Tunnel (or "Chunnel") train to London, where they saw Madame Tussaud's, Buckingham Palace, the British Museum, and the legendary night club the Marquee, where FORTUNATELY for them, they completely forgot about this dude named Nigel Evans! But all good things must come to an end, and they returned to the States where they finalized Rosa's move to their new digs, AND put the finishing touches on the nightclub show, which completely sold out Jazz at Lincoln Center's Dizzy's Club Coca-Cola venue. She started with a slowed down version of Patty Smyth's "Goodbye To You," and continued with Gloria Gaynor's "I Will Survive," both dedicated to Nigel. The highlights of the evening had to be Rosa singing Mary Wells' Smokey Robinson-penned classic "My Guy" to Carl and fellow West Side resident (now living in a better place) John Lennon's "In My Life," which she sang to Keeta and Sadie. (It was a Friday.)
The tough New York music critics were unanimous in their praise, but the best was yet to come: Rosa's return to the Met stage as her favorite character, CARMEN. Carl and Rosa sent invites to all their friends (except Nigel, for obvious reasons) to the performance and after party to benefit Project Renewal, a leading homeless outreach service which sent vans to the Lincoln Square area. Everybody who was anybody showed up, many in their best Spanish outfits, especially Carl, who wore his wedding night outfit. He stood outside the world famous Met Opera House, checking off people who came, when who to his surprise, (and disgust) should show up but Nigel, looking like something the cat dragged in.
"Oh. It's YOU," Carl said, mocking Nigel's tone from their unhappy reunion.
"How's it goin', mate?"
"Everything WAS good until YOU showed up."
"And what the bloody 'ell is THAT supposed to mean?"
"We didn't invite you, we want nothing more to do with you, we just want you out of here."
"What are YOU gonna do, challenge me to a gun fight?"
"That's not me. I've seen guns take John Lennon, innocent victims in Columbine, Sandy Hook, Paris, and San Bernadino and I'll be damned before I deal with some wacko who buys a gun without proper registration. Besides, what are YOU doing looking like a common bum?"
"Oh, didn't you 'ear? NOBODY saw me dates in Australia, NOBODY bought me CD, NOBODY read me book, NOBODY saw me network special, all because YOU and that BIMBO you married turned everybody against me!"
"Don't you remember you made that quote-unquote BIMBO a star?"
Ignoring him, Nigel ranged on, "I've got no money, I 've got nowhere I can 'ang me 'at, I'm now 'OMELESS and I 'ope you're 'appy!"
Carl said, "I wouldn't jump up and down and turn cartwheels because ANYBODY lost their house, but after the way you treated Rosa, Tina and the girls, I believe you got what you deserve."
With unbridled rage in his eyes, Nigel pulled out a knife and shouted, "AND NOW, YOU'RE ABOUT TO GET WHAT YOU DESERVE, MATE!"
A lovely senorita not too far away from all this suddenly ran to the scene, took the mantilla out of her bun, and with Rockette-like precision, kicked the knife out of Nigel's hand and damaged it in the process. Nigel tried to pick up the knife, but the senorita wrestled him to the ground, cuffed him, and revealed her NYPD shield. Carl wiped away the sweat and said, "Thank you, Officer!" She saluted him and smiled, "No problem!" Her mood turned serious and said, "Nigel Evans, it's time for you to sing a different song. Attempted murder, attempted assault, you have the right to remain silent, should you lose the right to remain silent, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney, if you cannot afford an attorney, one will be provided to you free of charge. Do you understand these rights as I have read them to you?"
Nigel grumbled, "Perfectly."
The officer said, "We're going to get in touch with Scotland Yard, and as we say over here, they're going to throw you a necktie party and you'll be the only one dancing."
Nigel replied sarcastically, "Ha-bleedin'-HA."
The officer drew a sigh of relief and said, "Nobody dies tonight."
Actually, somebody did. The Gypsy Carmen, after a beautiful duet with the bullfighter Escamillo, was told by her friends Frasquiita and Mercedes that her one-time lover don Jose was right outside the bullring. They greeted each other curtly and don Jose tried to convince Carmen to break with the past and begin a new life with her. Carmen continually broke from his embrace and threw the ring he once gave her, challenging him to kill her or let her pass. In a fit of jealousy aimed at Escamillo, don Jose stabbed Carmen just as the happy crowd left the bullring celebrating Escamillo's victory. Joy turned to horror as they saw blood on the edge of don Jose's knife as he confessed, "Yes, I killed her! Oh, my Carmen, my beloved Carmen!"
Although Carmen died that night, as she did time and time again, Rosa was born again. Just a short time ago, she depended on the kindness of strangers, not always returning that kindness until an old friend opened her mind and heart, steering her away from the man who raised her hopes only to dash those hopes and in the direction of true love, from her daughters, her friends, and the one man who was truly made for her. Who was it who said, "You gotta go through Hell before you get to Heaven?"
Whoever it was, he nailed it. As Rosa took her bows, motioned for Carl, and motioned for Keeta and Sadie, who also sang in the children's chorus during the Changing Of The Guard scene and the bullfighting scene (They were recongnizable as mini-versions of their "Mama Carmen."), she knew that they weren't just applauding a character, they were applauding HER, the REAL Rosa, not this shadow of a person who kept bothering fast food customers, dodging traffic, and interrupting meals just to get something to eat. This was her song of love, her song of redemption, her moment, one that she didn't want to end.
NEXT: Two Epilogues For The Price Of One!
EPILOGUE THE FIRST
A Little Help From My Friends
Rosa lifted her hand, and the applause stopped.
"I would like to thank you all for supporting me in my return to opera, and for supporting Project Renewal. As I found out during my time on the street, panhandling is against the law, so, when somebody walks up to you and asks you for a quarter, please donate that quarter, or whatever you can,to http://www.projectrenewal.org .88% of Project Renewal's funds go directly to providing food,jobs, and medical care to the homeless. You can also follow them at @projectrenewal on Twitter and Facebook and watch their You Tube channel. Again, thank you for supporting me and Project Renewal."
The applause resumed, and many of the guests made their way to the afterparty, although Keeta and Sadie had to run backstage to change because they had school the next day. They were tired, but it was well worth it, for everybody.
EPILOGUE THE SECOND
Who Are You Now?
NIGEL EVANS
was flown back to England to serve time in jail. In a moment of insanity, he walked right in the middle of London rush hour traffic. He was hit by a truck and died instantly. He is buried as John Doe.
TINA WHITE
also flew back to England, but she married a BBC TV presenter with Rosa and Carl's blessings. She has been replaced by a colleague from Miracle Books.
FRASQUITA AND MERCEDES TAYLOR
launched their own showbiz career with a series of bubble gum hits. They can be seen as sister detectives Deena and Donna Dunn on the Disney Channel comedy mystery series, "Who Dunn It?"
CARL TAYLOR
has a number one book on his old paper's best seller list, "My Lady Rosa."
ROSA MILANO TAYLOR
is entertaining audiences at the Met Opera House and all over the world with her portrayals of Donna Anna, Rosina, and of course, Carmen.
CARL AND ROSA
are now the proud parents of Frasquita, Mercedes, Carly, Escamillo, Carmen, and another one on the way.
THE END
SONG OF REDEMPTION
A Valentine's Day Aria In Five Stanzas
STANZA THE LAST
Blaze Of Glory
As important as the nightclub act was to Rosa and Carl, it would have to play second fiddle to their new life together. They would have to find a new apartment for themselves, Phoebe and the girls, (1965 Broadway, right next to Alice Tully Hall, where they had that first lunch), get some do-it-yourself supplies (Lowe's) furniture, (Raymour & Flanagan) and everything else at Century 21, and get Tina some new office space and living quarters (same place until Mr. Right came along). They rehearsed the wedding at the Rose Rehearsal Studio, and Carl made sure they had the right wedding planner. On their respective last nights of singlehood, they made sure their last nights of fun went off without a hitch. Carl and his Times buddies chose Dive 75, on 75th Street, and a pal of his who knew someone who knew someone who knew Hugh Hefner brought over a bevy of Playboy Bunnies who brought back the magic of the old Club on 58th and Fifth, and Carl did his best impression of Escamillo, Carmen's bullfighter paramour, by winning both ears and the tail of one of the Bunnies, who, like Carl, was too drunk to care. Rosa had an equally hot bachelorette party at the Empire Hotel's Rooftop Bar (She was also too sloshed to care what Carl would think of the Chippendale's dancers and male strippers.), while Phoebe, Frasquita and Mercedes had a "junior bachelorette" party at what was going to be her old apartment, binge watching all their favorite musicals drinking Shirley Temples and Virgin Marys, and laying waste to a White Castle Hamburger Crave Case, even though Mom once "craved" those little square hamburgers until she saw the light.
The next morning, the scene shifted back to Alice Tully Hall, where Carl, dressed in a bullfighter costume, stood and waited for the arrival of his tag team partner in the match called life. The Julliard String Quartet was there to serenade the guests, and graduates of the school set the mood with a program that included "One Hand, One Heart" from "West Side Story," John Lennon's "Grow Old With Me," (inspired by the poetry of Elizabeth Barrett Browning), and Dan Fogelberg's "Longer," but something was missing.
Ten minutes later, that something arrived to the strains of "Here Comes The Bride", dressed in a white variation of the outfit wore by Carmen before Don Jose stabbed her in a fit of jealousy, accompanied by Keeta and Sadie in white dresses wearing floral headpieces and paving her way. Unfortunately, both Rosa's parents had passed while she was just starting her operatic career, so the police officer charged with guarding her during that transitional period from homeless to star reborn gave her away. Tina was the Maid Of Honor, Carl's old editor was the Best Man, and...
Preacher: "Repeat after me. I, Carl James Taylor..."
"I, Carl James Taylor..."
"Take thee, Rosa Maria Carmen Violetta Anna Milano..."
"Take thee, Rosa Maria Carmen Violetta Anna Milano...."
Nuff Said.
As for anybody who could show just cause why those two should not be wed, Rosa's so-called friends from her homeless days were arrested outside Lincoln Center and Nigel had a tour in Australia. (Poor baby!)
One wild and crazy wedding reception later during which they divulged dates for the nightclub show AND a special charity performance of CARMEN at the Met Opera, the happy couple, kids in tow, (STILL in their wedding finery!) flew off to Disneyland Resort Paris where the highlight of the trip was Frasquita (Elsa) and Mercedes (Anna) and Mom and Dad wearing respective Mickey and Minnie wedding mouse ears posing with Bullfighter Mickey and Gypsy Minnie. After a week at the Happiest Place on Earth, (and a few minutes trying to avoid getting ripped off by the seemingly harmless elderly couple who would take your picture outside the castle and charge you an arm and a leg and two teeth) they took the Channel Tunnel (or "Chunnel") train to London, where they saw Madame Tussaud's, Buckingham Palace, the British Museum, and the legendary night club the Marquee, where FORTUNATELY for them, they completely forgot about this dude named Nigel Evans! But all good things must come to an end, and they returned to the States where they finalized Rosa's move to their new digs, AND put the finishing touches on the nightclub show, which completely sold out Jazz at Lincoln Center's Dizzy's Club Coca-Cola venue. She started with a slowed down version of Patty Smyth's "Goodbye To You," and continued with Gloria Gaynor's "I Will Survive," both dedicated to Nigel. The highlights of the evening had to be Rosa singing Mary Wells' Smokey Robinson-penned classic "My Guy" to Carl and fellow West Side resident (now living in a better place) John Lennon's "In My Life," which she sang to Keeta and Sadie. (It was a Friday.)
The tough New York music critics were unanimous in their praise, but the best was yet to come: Rosa's return to the Met stage as her favorite character, CARMEN. Carl and Rosa sent invites to all their friends (except Nigel, for obvious reasons) to the performance and after party to benefit Project Renewal, a leading homeless outreach service which sent vans to the Lincoln Square area. Everybody who was anybody showed up, many in their best Spanish outfits, especially Carl, who wore his wedding night outfit. He stood outside the world famous Met Opera House, checking off people who came, when who to his surprise, (and disgust) should show up but Nigel, looking like something the cat dragged in.
"Oh. It's YOU," Carl said, mocking Nigel's tone from their unhappy reunion.
"How's it goin', mate?"
"Everything WAS good until YOU showed up."
"And what the bloody 'ell is THAT supposed to mean?"
"We didn't invite you, we want nothing more to do with you, we just want you out of here."
"What are YOU gonna do, challenge me to a gun fight?"
"That's not me. I've seen guns take John Lennon, innocent victims in Columbine, Sandy Hook, Paris, and San Bernadino and I'll be damned before I deal with some wacko who buys a gun without proper registration. Besides, what are YOU doing looking like a common bum?"
"Oh, didn't you 'ear? NOBODY saw me dates in Australia, NOBODY bought me CD, NOBODY read me book, NOBODY saw me network special, all because YOU and that BIMBO you married turned everybody against me!"
"Don't you remember you made that quote-unquote BIMBO a star?"
Ignoring him, Nigel ranged on, "I've got no money, I 've got nowhere I can 'ang me 'at, I'm now 'OMELESS and I 'ope you're 'appy!"
Carl said, "I wouldn't jump up and down and turn cartwheels because ANYBODY lost their house, but after the way you treated Rosa, Tina and the girls, I believe you got what you deserve."
With unbridled rage in his eyes, Nigel pulled out a knife and shouted, "AND NOW, YOU'RE ABOUT TO GET WHAT YOU DESERVE, MATE!"
A lovely senorita not too far away from all this suddenly ran to the scene, took the mantilla out of her bun, and with Rockette-like precision, kicked the knife out of Nigel's hand and damaged it in the process. Nigel tried to pick up the knife, but the senorita wrestled him to the ground, cuffed him, and revealed her NYPD shield. Carl wiped away the sweat and said, "Thank you, Officer!" She saluted him and smiled, "No problem!" Her mood turned serious and said, "Nigel Evans, it's time for you to sing a different song. Attempted murder, attempted assault, you have the right to remain silent, should you lose the right to remain silent, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney, if you cannot afford an attorney, one will be provided to you free of charge. Do you understand these rights as I have read them to you?"
Nigel grumbled, "Perfectly."
The officer said, "We're going to get in touch with Scotland Yard, and as we say over here, they're going to throw you a necktie party and you'll be the only one dancing."
Nigel replied sarcastically, "Ha-bleedin'-HA."
The officer drew a sigh of relief and said, "Nobody dies tonight."
Actually, somebody did. The Gypsy Carmen, after a beautiful duet with the bullfighter Escamillo, was told by her friends Frasquiita and Mercedes that her one-time lover don Jose was right outside the bullring. They greeted each other curtly and don Jose tried to convince Carmen to break with the past and begin a new life with her. Carmen continually broke from his embrace and threw the ring he once gave her, challenging him to kill her or let her pass. In a fit of jealousy aimed at Escamillo, don Jose stabbed Carmen just as the happy crowd left the bullring celebrating Escamillo's victory. Joy turned to horror as they saw blood on the edge of don Jose's knife as he confessed, "Yes, I killed her! Oh, my Carmen, my beloved Carmen!"
Although Carmen died that night, as she did time and time again, Rosa was born again. Just a short time ago, she depended on the kindness of strangers, not always returning that kindness until an old friend opened her mind and heart, steering her away from the man who raised her hopes only to dash those hopes and in the direction of true love, from her daughters, her friends, and the one man who was truly made for her. Who was it who said, "You gotta go through Hell before you get to Heaven?"
Whoever it was, he nailed it. As Rosa took her bows, motioned for Carl, and motioned for Keeta and Sadie, who also sang in the children's chorus during the Changing Of The Guard scene and the bullfighting scene (They were recongnizable as mini-versions of their "Mama Carmen."), she knew that they weren't just applauding a character, they were applauding HER, the REAL Rosa, not this shadow of a person who kept bothering fast food customers, dodging traffic, and interrupting meals just to get something to eat. This was her song of love, her song of redemption, her moment, one that she didn't want to end.
NEXT: Two Epilogues For The Price Of One!
EPILOGUE THE FIRST
A Little Help From My Friends
Rosa lifted her hand, and the applause stopped.
"I would like to thank you all for supporting me in my return to opera, and for supporting Project Renewal. As I found out during my time on the street, panhandling is against the law, so, when somebody walks up to you and asks you for a quarter, please donate that quarter, or whatever you can,to http://www.projectrenewal.org .88% of Project Renewal's funds go directly to providing food,jobs, and medical care to the homeless. You can also follow them at @projectrenewal on Twitter and Facebook and watch their You Tube channel. Again, thank you for supporting me and Project Renewal."
The applause resumed, and many of the guests made their way to the afterparty, although Keeta and Sadie had to run backstage to change because they had school the next day. They were tired, but it was well worth it, for everybody.
EPILOGUE THE SECOND
Who Are You Now?
NIGEL EVANS
was flown back to England to serve time in jail. In a moment of insanity, he walked right in the middle of London rush hour traffic. He was hit by a truck and died instantly. He is buried as John Doe.
TINA WHITE
also flew back to England, but she married a BBC TV presenter with Rosa and Carl's blessings. She has been replaced by a colleague from Miracle Books.
FRASQUITA AND MERCEDES TAYLOR
launched their own showbiz career with a series of bubble gum hits. They can be seen as sister detectives Deena and Donna Dunn on the Disney Channel comedy mystery series, "Who Dunn It?"
CARL TAYLOR
has a number one book on his old paper's best seller list, "My Lady Rosa."
ROSA MILANO TAYLOR
is entertaining audiences at the Met Opera House and all over the world with her portrayals of Donna Anna, Rosina, and of course, Carmen.
CARL AND ROSA
are now the proud parents of Frasquita, Mercedes, Carly, Escamillo, Carmen, and another one on the way.
THE END
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